If Only Not Anymore
by RubyRoy87
Summary: Some serious Caskett smut... Rated M. If you're a minor or do not like the subject matter or if it is illegal for you to read such materials, don't read them. I've three other stories for you. For the rest, enjoy!


The inside of the car was dark but their faces were occasionally being lit up by the headlights of the cars coming from the opposite direction. The clock on the dashboard read 2 am. They had finished an exceptionally difficult case and were now on their way home.

Kate Beckett sat gripping the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles where almost white. Her neck was stiff and she was staring straight ahead into the darkness of the night, marred only by the streetlights and the headlights of the cars.

Richard Castle sat at shotgun, as usual. He was eerily silent and still. The only movements of his body were that of his breathing. He was facing away from Kate, staring out of the window through the rolled up glass, seeing nothing.

They were sitting as far as possible from each other within the confines of the car. The atmosphere inside the car was charged and it seems to them that if one touched the other accidentally, they were likely to receive an electric shock.

As distant as they were trying to be, their thoughts were hovering on the same events that had happened a few hours earlier.

_The warehouse looked abandoned. As Beckett walked in front of Castle in carefully measured steps and her weapon drawn, Castle could not stop feeling that they were walking into a trap. For someone who was as careful and crafty as their suspect was, it seemed odd that he would leave behind such glaring evidence. It wasn't like Castle did not warn her about it._

"_What do you want me to do, Castle? Wait here until he kills another kid?"_

_He hadn't been able to answer that. He knew she was right. Yet, they were walking into the trap._

_As their footsteps echoed through the mouldy floorboards, ominous silence greeted them. There was no sign of life in the abandoned building except their own. As Beckett quickly traversed across the space in practiced moves, she looked over her shoulder at Castle and ordered him in a whisper to stay where he was. When she reached the other end, she kicked open the already worn down door and entered what seemed to be a dimly lit storage space and moved out of her partner's line of sight._

_Rick remembers listening to her sharp intake of breath and her voice as she rapidly spoke over her radio…_

"_One-Lincoln-Forty… One-Lincoln-Forty, I need back…" _

_Before she could complete the sentence, he heard a thud and the unmistakable sound of gunmetal skidding on the floor. _

_Without thinking, he rushed inside to find Kate sprawled on the floor, dazed and their suspect pointing her own pistol at her while smiling smugly._

_A feral rage boiled inside Castle and before he realized, he had pounced upon the bustard as he had done once before. They wrestled with the gun for some time before the gun went off with a loud bang. _

_As Castle stood up and turned around, Beckett could see the front of his jacket and shirt drenched in blood._

_Castle could see the exact moment when panic set in her hazel green eyes. She gasped and shuddered and for a moment it seemed she had lost her voice. Then she stood up unsteadily on her feet and rushed to him._

"_Castle!"_

"_It's not my blood, Beckett." His voice was raspy and he suddenly felt his throat was parched._

_She scanned the scene in front of them, unable to trust him. She saw their perp lying lifeless in a pool of his own blood, the gun still clutched in his right hand in cadaveric spasm._

"_Oh God, Castle!" She drew Castle forcefully in a tight hug. _

_Even in his haze, even in all the confusion, Rick Castle could feel himself, his heart responding to their proximity. He instinctively buried his face in her brown cascade of hair and took in a deep breath, filling his lungs with her scent. He could feel her fists clenching the lapels of his jacket and pulling him even closer to her. Rick felt he was in a trance as her left hand snaked up and rested on his cheek. Her forehead rested against his and he could feel her warm breath over his face._

_They were close, too close, to losing control. They were too close to crossing that invisible line…. And they were still at a crime scene…_

_The wailing of the sirens outside the building brought them back to reality and she pulled herself away from him, hesitantly. She glance at him once and he could see her eyes were darkened with emotions. They didn't utter a single word to each other on their way back to the Precinct._

_At the Precinct, they were met with a furious Captain. This case was indeed a setback for the relationship between Castle and the new Captain. Gates had initially resented Castle's presence in the Precinct but over time she had realized that Castle was like chewing gum stuck in hair; annoying but impossible to get rid of. _

_At present, she harped some more about why Castle should get out of such situations before he got himself killed. Unfortunately, this time, Beckett joined her as well. Once again he had made it clear that he wouldn't leave. Kate and Rick had ended up having a major fight in the break room._

"_Why wouldn't you leave the damn precinct, Castle?" She had let out an exasperated yell._

"_Because I don't want to."_

"_You are not a cop."_

"_You think my own daughter doesn't remind me that every day?" Rick's voice was dangerously low and his tone sarcastic._

"_Then why wouldn't you leave?"_

"_Because I can't stay away from you. I love you." Apparently, anger had rendered the filter between his brain and his mouth non-functional._

_Both of them stared at each other for what could be seconds or hours…. Neither of them wanted to break the deathly silence that had descended between them. After taking in a deep breath, Kate turned abruptly and left, banging the door closed behind her._

_Rick didn't know what to do with himself. His first instinct was to pick up his bloodied jacket and run back to his loft. But he had had enough. He was done running. He was done being afraid. He was tired of this dance they have been dancing for the past four years. They had reached the make-or-break point in their relationship and if he ran now, their potential relationship never stood a chance. He would rather stay and endure whatever treatment Kate decided to mete out to him._

_Beckett being Beckett decided to hand out to him the silent treatment. After having cleaned himself, Castle returned to the bullpen. He feigned nonchalance and flopped down on his usual chair. As each silent moment passed, his heart crumbled into dust, bit by bit… Darkness of despair and frustration descended on his soul. Even when Beckett was finishing her mandatory paperwork, he didn't leave. He sat there, still as a statue, staring at the floor. He didn't risk a glance at her but from the sporadic sounds of her pen scratching on the papers, he guessed she was not as focused on her work as she was supposed to be. She was zoning out as well._

_He heard Kate's chair scraping the floor and felt her standing in front of him. He didn't dare to look up, afraid of what he might see on her face. Then he heard her soft voice…_

"_You coming, Castle?"_

He was brought out of his reverie as the car stopped. He realized they were in front of his building.

He looked over at Kate for the last time. She was still stiff, looking ahead. She had not let go of the steering wheel. Her jaws were set tightly and even in the dim light filtering inside the car through the car windows, he could make out the outline of her clenched jaw muscles.

Was Kate fighting with herself? He didn't know.

Should he apologize for his impromptu confession earlier? Hell, no. He wouldn't apologize for the truth. Not anymore.

He hesitated for a brief moment. He hoped against hope that Kate would say something. He listened to the stifling silence for a few more seconds. He sighed resignedly and reached for the door handle.

"Wait." The word was spoken so softly that he wasn't sure if she had indeed said it.

He turned to her, eying her expression. She was still facing the windshield and she was still as stiff as a cadaver but her eyes were scrunched close.

Rick waited patiently, drowning in the silence but refusing to break it.

Kate took in a deep breath, summoning all her courage. She was going to jump off the cliff. It was now or never.

"Do you really love me?"

Rick didn't think his heart could beat any faster but he realized he was wrong as it picked up pace. He could feel it thudding against his throat. He felt the stale air inside the car burn his lungs.

"Yes." He tried hard not to explode with his emotions. Did he really love her? He felt like a vigorously shaken soda bottle. The cork was about to pop any second and his feeling would bubble up to the surface.

"And you decide to tell me when we're fighting?" Was her voice shaking?

Rick wanted to bang his head on the dashboard. He wanted to yell. Would she never understand him? Had she really forgotten that one time at the cemetery?

"I was trying to follow your rules."

Kate turned her head and looked at Rick. There was something resembling disbelief in her eyes.

"Since when did you start following rules?"

Rick didn't know how to answer that. It was true that Rick was the king of going rogue but when it came to Kate, he always treaded the lines carefully; Because he couldn't afford to botch things up with Kate… Because he couldn't afford to hurt her. He always had a disregard for authority but Kate wasn't authority… Kate was his life.

"I didn't want to hurt you."

Kate sighed. She had been an idiot. Since the beginning, since she felt they were something more than friends, she was waiting for Rick to make the first move. Then Rick went ahead and meddled with her mother's case. Their relationship backtracked. Then they started again, from scratch. This time, she blew it, opting for Demming over him. When she finally saw some sense, Rick walked off with his ex-wife hanging from his arm. Kate rebound and landed up with Josh. That relationship practically restricted her relationship with Castle because despite what she felt, she'd never cheat on her boyfriend. Then she was shot. She remembered him professing his love for her but she thought it was just on the heat of the moment. Then, things got too intense around her and she broke up with Josh. After all the things that had happened, she was too tired. She wanted to clear off her head before she dived into a relationship with the man she really loved.

She realized she had been stupid to wait for Castle to make the first move because he had already made the first move the day he decided to write a book about her, about them. He had already made the first move with his book dedications. In every page of three novels, he had let her know what she meant to him. The whole world saw, the whole world knew. How could she have been so blind?

She always thought Castle was like a nine year old on a sugar rush. The truth was he had waited patiently for her for four years.

"I'm so sorry, Rick."

The words escaped her lips and she saw him tense up. She realized what these words could have meant to him and hastily proceeded to clear things up.

"I should've opened my eyes a long time ago. I've been nothing but selfish."

Rick leaned forward. "Hey, that's not true. I've been selfish too. I kept quiet when I should've spoken out because I didn't want to lose whatever we already had."

"Stop being a gentleman, Castle. It's making me feel worse."

A faint smile appeared on his lips. "Why don't we kiss and make up?"

Kate rolled her eyes in the classic sexy way that only she could.

She did not resist when Rick leaned across to the driver's seat and brought his lips to hers. Instead, she leaned into the kiss, making up for the distance Rick couldn't reach.

It was a soft brush of lips at first. As she closed her eyes, Kate felt the warmth of his lips on hers. She felt a need build inside her as he pressed on her lips gently, without urgency or need, as if they had all the time in the world. As she lost herself to the pleasant sensation and started getting used to it, he slightly parted his lips and took in her plump lip between his. She anticipated his tongue to seek entry through her parted lips but was disappointed. She gasped when he started sucking on her lower lip instead. He sucked so lightly at first but before Kate could get used to the sensation, he started sucking hard.

Rick had decided to pour all his emotions into the kiss; not only his wild physical urgency but also his heart breaking tender love for Kate. But as he gently suckled on her luscious lips, he couldn't stop desire from swelling inside him. He couldn't stop the raw passion from clouding his senses as he brutally sucked her lip raw. It didn't help when Kate's hands involuntarily nestled in his hair.

Their trance was broken rudely by the loud stereo of a car racing past. As they parted, they tried hard to control their erratic breathing. They realized that they were still in the police car, making out like a couple of horny teenagers. Kate was baffled that she could behave in this way in public while Rick was worried that any further PDA could be paparazzi fodder. While he would gladly stand on a rooftop with a loudspeaker and announce his love for Kate Beckett to the world, he was sure she wouldn't appreciate it.

"Wow, that was more like kiss and make out." She was trying to diffuse the sexual tension that could now be cut with a knife but her efforts were undone by her breathy voice. It only made Rick want to kiss her senseless…. And to do more things to her that would make her forget how to breathe.

Silence descended between them again as they continued looking at each other. Hazel eyes gazed into blue and both pairs of eyes were dark with arousal. They yearned for each other. The long neglected needs coursed through their veins. The primitive caveman and cavewoman were fighting their way out from their respective polished shells with the intent of devouring each other.

They had to regain their control, damn it.

Kate cleared her throat in an attempt to compose herself. "So…" She trailed off, as she mercilessly pushed the ball into Rick's court.

"Care to come upstairs?"

"Okay."

As they got out and slammed the doors shut, Kate briefly pondered over the situation. She knew that the loft was empty. Alexis was at college and Martha had already moved to her new place a few months ago. They were going up to an empty loft. Fireworks were bound to happen this night and nothing could possibly stop them. Well, it was now or never anyway. She had to take the plunge or she had to let go. She knew what she wanted.

They were silent during the elevator ride to his loft but it was a different kind of silence than that in the car earlier. Both of them were trying hard to keep their hands to themselves and not jump each other's bones.

Rick opened the door and motioned to Kate to enter first. He followed her inside and then turned around to close the door shut.

As soon as he faced the room again, he was pushed back to the door. His back hit the door with a thud and he felt the weight of Kate's lithe body pinning him to the door. He felt his jacket slide to the floor. As he felt her warm body brushing against his, his body started to wake up. As Kate mashed her lips fiercely against his, he groaned into her mouth involuntarily. His arms found their way around her waist as he pulled her closer to his body. Kate's nails dug deep into his biceps through the material of his shirt as he bit on her lip in a surge of passion. She heard a moan and realized it was emerging from her own throat. She couldn't wait anymore. Her hands slipped from his biceps across his broad chest and her fingers fumbled as they found the buttons of his shirt. Without moving away from the warmth of his kiss, she undid all the buttons and pushed it back, leaving it hanging over his shoulders. She ran her palms over the newly exposed skin. Her palms traversed across his well built chest and along his muscular sides until they reached his waist. She ran her hands around the waist to feel the hardness of his back. As she felt the heat of his bare chest seep in through her clothes, she couldn't help but squeeze his muscles hard.

She could feel him grow harder against her hip and couldn't help rubbing herself against him. Her action elicited a gasp from him as he came dangerously close to losing himself. He didn't want that. She didn't want that. They were just getting started.

She pulled herself away and stood a few feet away from him. As the cool air hit his chest, he immediately missed the proximity of her body.

As he looked into her eyes, he could see them glazing with feverish desire. Her lips were curled into a seductive smirk. Without breaking their eye contact, she swayed slightly to some imaginary music as she undid her coat and let it drop to her feet. Her palms ran over her own body once, as if to smooth her shirt. Rick watched hypnotized, unable to move as her long, shapely fingers undid the buttons of her shirt one by one, exposing more and more of her creamy skin. When her shirt rested loose on her shoulders, she felt nervous for the first time. Rick watched her as she chewed on her bottom lip nervously but still held their eye contact stubbornly. She shrugged her shoulders and her white shirt fluttered to the ground.

Rick was suddenly torn by indecision. He didn't want to look away from her eyes yet he couldn't help but look at her, clad in a lacy black bra and a pair of skinny jeans. He gave in and allowed his eyes to roam freely over her body, drinking in her beauty.

If Kate had any doubt about her impact on Rick, it quickly dissolved away when she saw the hunger in his eyes or the bulge in front of his trousers. As Rick stood in front of her leaning back on the door, his eyes wide, his lips slightly parted and his blue shirt still hanging over his shoulders, she felt powerful. Her hands dropped to her waist and she popped open the button of her jeans. As her jeans bunched down around her ankles, she stepped out of them.

Rick was in awe. Katherine Beckett was standing in front of him clad in lacy black bra and matching panties and a pair of stilettos, looking at him right into his eyes with her fiery green. In the dim light of the room, she appeared like a Greek Goddess. Kate Beckett was, at that moment, the epitome of feminine power and beauty and uninhibited sensuality. Rick felt an overwhelming urge to kneel down in front of her and worship her… worship her body, worship her soul…

Kate kicked off her heels and padded barefoot and leaned into Rick, pushing the shirt off his body. She leaned in and whispered in his ears, "Take me to your bed, Rick."

Rick felt it was extremely difficult to walk in his jeans which had suddenly become too tight for him but he was hardly complaining. He kicked off his own footwear absently as he took her hand in his, delicately and led her to his bedroom. The only source of light was the aquarium at the corner of the room. It cast a mysterious pattern of light and dark across the room and across their faces. Kate sat down on the edge of his bed and pulled him closer to her. She pried open his jeans and slowly slid them off his feet, just like one would slide the wrapper off one's present. He stood in front of her only in his boxers, his arousal obvious. As she gently ran her fingers over his bulge, she could feel the heat radiating off his engorged manhood.

Rick threw his head back involuntarily and groaned. His hands clasped Kate's wrist and he panted. "Kate, please."

Rick knelt down on the floor in front of her, in between her parted legs. They were taking it slow. Painstakingly slow. It was time.

Rick reached out and unclasped her bra. Without further delay, he peeled the flimsy piece of cloth off her body.

He stood back briefly to admire the view in front of him. Then he leaned into her for another scorching kiss as he gently pushed her on her back on the bed. Soon he was hovering over Kate's supine form, his hard chest resting against her soft breasts. He could feel her nipples harden as his body brushed hers. As they continued to assault each other's lips and invaded each other's mouths, they knew it was time to take it forward. As his tongue bumped against her kinky left canine tooth, his passion soared and his large palms covered her pert breasts and squeezed them gently. He disengaged himself from her lips and instead left a trail of kisses on her cheeks, along her jaw and her neck. As he sucked the skin covering the hollow right over her collar bone, she let out a loud moan and squirmed beneath him. Her fingers were entangled tightly with tufts of his hair.

Encouraged by her reaction, he continued his journey downward until he reached her breasts. As he continued to roll her nipples against the flat of his palm, he licked the valley between her breasts. He could taste the saltiness of her sweat that had started to pool there and it only appealed to the caveman inside him. When he could take no more, he engulfed her right nipple with his mouth while his right hand continued to tease her left breast.

Kate was losing control, fast. She was the one who had been in control at the beginning but suddenly she found the tables turned on her. Not that she minded. Just when she thought she could take no more teasing to her poor breasts, Rick left them and instead turned his attention to her flat abdomen. When he went further south, he reached the waistband of her frilly panties. His patience failed him and he growled as he removed her panties with a yank.

As he licked, sucked and nibbled the soft skin of her inner thighs, Kate briefly wondered why they hadn't done it sooner. However, her thought process was soon thrown out of the window when she felt his warm breath on her moist core. Every muscle in her body tensed in anticipation and she squeezed her eyes shut. Her hips buckled as she felt his tongue swipe along her nether lips. As his tongue buried deep inside her, he hummed, sending jolts of pleasure across her body. When his tongue caressed her sensitive bundle of nerves, she bit on her lips hard to prevent herself from screaming. Still, she couldn't stop the whimper escaping her lips.

"Castle… Rick…. Please" She called out.

"Hmmm?" He replied, still devouring her, the added hum driving her insane.

"Please…. Please…."

"Please what, Kate?" Rick momentarily disengaged his mouth and she felt the loss of contact immediately.

"Do it, already."

"Do what, Kate?" She could hear the grin in his voice. He was teasing her.

She lifted her head to look into his eyes. "Fuck me, Rick."

This woman would be the death of him. As he heard the dirty words tumble out of her mouth, he went wild. As he lifted himself up, he made sure to brush against every inch of her body. As he assaulted her mouth once more, she realized that he had divested himself of his boxers. She could feel him ready, waiting at the entrance to her core. As she nodded her assent, she felt Rick start to move away. She looked at him questioningly.

"Condom," he grinned.

But she didn't want to feel the sleek latex. After all the damn wait, she needed to feel him.

"Damn condom. I'm on pills… and clean…"

Rick arched an eyebrow in surprise. He never took Kate Beckett as the reckless type.

"You don't want to know if I'm clean?"

She looked into his eyes. "I trust you."

His heart swelled with her words and he realized yet again that he was in love with her. He'd do anything to make this woman happy.

As he lowered himself into her, he waited for a moment for her to get used to him. He could feel her muscles stretching against his length and he didn't want to hurt her. After a moment, she nodded and he slid into her, completely.

It started out excruciatingly slow at first as he withdrew himself again and again and plunged inside her, each time more forcefully than the last.

He could feel Kate's nails scratching across his back but he didn't care. The added sting only added to his urgency.

When he felt both of them close to the edge, he started rocking inside her instead of thrusting… They rocked together in a bone shattering rhythm. They rocked their surroundings, they rocked the planet, they shook the Universe…

…. And the Universe exploded.

When they came back to their senses, he was still on the top of her. Her nails were buried deep in his broad back. He could feel the sting on his shoulder where she had bitten down while toppling over the edge.

He looked down to her face. Her eyes were closed, her face was peaceful. Her breathing was still heavy.

As a drop of sweat slid across Rick's temple and fell on her cheek, she opened her eyes.

Her usually hazel eyes were a clear shade of green.

"Rick…"

"Hmmm?"

"I love you, too."

Her face broke into the brightest smile he had ever scene. The writer in him was reminded of a crystal in bright sunshine, splitting the white light into gorgeous spectrum.

When Rick settled on the bed beside her, he pulled her into him and she cuddled, without the slightest hesitation. He drew the cover over them. As he saw the faint light of the dawn stream through the window, he pondered over life.

Tomorrow, or rather today, they would have to go back to work. There would be murders and mayhem. There would be deranged psychopaths, dark alleys and abandoned warehouses. There would be fights and controversies. Life would not be a fairytale. There would be hardships.

But he had her love and she had his.

All was well with the world.

_A/N: I feel like a voyeur right now :| This is my first attempt at writing Caskett smut... the truth is fantasies of Caskett smut often cloud my brain... but to see them in words is kinda weird. Still, a writer has got to step out of her comfort zone and try something new, right? Hopefully it didn't read like badly written porn... Please review... It's very very important._

_It's 3 am here so I couldn't re-read it more than twice. If there are mistakes, forgive me. _

_Though it is rated M, I'm sure many of you are below eighteen. Let me tell you kids, unprotected sex is a good idea only in fiction... In real life, it only means unwanted pregnancies and STDs, no matter how cool or clever you are. _

**_Disclaimer: If I owned Castle, this would be on the show... may be not this graphic ( you know, ratings and all!) but still..._**


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